


(we needed) time to grow

by orphan_account



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Character Study, Feelings Realization, Gen, Growing Up, Light Angst, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-17
Updated: 2019-10-17
Packaged: 2020-12-16 03:29:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21029531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: He opens his eyes and looks around him. Everything is still familiar, and it fills him with warmth. Everything is also different, Hyunjin acknowledges, and it fills him with uncertainty.or: Hyunjin volunteers at his old elementary school only to come face to face with his old crush Minho, and Minho's significant other Jisung.





	(we needed) time to grow

**Author's Note:**

> \- written for skz fic fest, prompt #31  
\- dearest op, i'm really sorry and i hope u find this at the very least satisfying  
\- i hope the [rel] tags aren't misleading or something... but if they are then i'm sorry! pls know that this isn't really minsung nor hyunho fic  
\- i wasn't able to edit this as well as i should have and i'm sorry for mistakes and inconsistencies and etc etc

It’s been a long time since Hyunjin had last set foot in his old primary school. The last time, he'd of course been just a mere child, had just reached the tender age of thirteen, exiting the school grounds smiling widely while cradling his diploma, feeling like nothing could stop him from conquering the world and its possibilities, ready for the problems preadolescence would throw his way. 

That was ten years ago. Now, Hyunjin is twenty-three, almost done with his degree in Practical English, has gone through more than a few problems his thirteen-year-old self never could’ve foreseen, has long since known that nothing could ever really prepare him for anything life decides to throw his way.

Life, Hyunjin has also learned, doesn’t have a definite schedule of when and how and which things to throw at you. Right when you least expect it is when it hits you. It’s all just a matter of luck, really; it's all just a matter of whether it hits you where it would hurt a lot or hit you where it wouldn't cause much damage. The thing is, sometimes it takes too long for you to notice, and by the time you do the damage is already irreparable, the cut’s already too deep, and there’s nothing much you can do about it anymore. 

Life doesn’t wait for wounds to heal, either; sometimes you’d have to endure two or three more, would have to live and walk and talk everyday despite hurting. There are the times when you might think you’ve healed, that you’re okay, fine and dandy, sporting scars that remind you of lessons learned and pain gone through — but then life decides to fuck you up again, reminding you that some cuts just aren’t fully healed yet.

  
  
  


Hyunjin has always been a nostalgic person, and passing through the gates of his old primary school is like walking straight into a huge wave of nostalgia. Seeing this place, taking in how much it seems to have changed yet somehow still remains the same makes him feel a lot of things. The place isn’t the only thing that’s changed, of course; Hyunjin sees his surroundings differtently now, too, through the lens of someone who’s lived a few years more and has realized how much childhood molds people into the person they are now. 

He’d like to think he’s had a pretty good childhood, and this school had been a huge factor why, so he wants to pay it back by making sure he’d be a good, pleasant, and positive figure in the students’ lives. After all, he’ll be doing volunteer work here for a few months to complete his community service; he’d like to make this a good experience for himself and for the people around him, too.

“Hyunjinnie!” Inseong greets Hyunjin as soon as he’s inside the faculty room. Inseong was a senior in Hyunjin’s university, now a teacher in this school; he was the one who suggested Hyunjin should do his community service here, and of course Hyunjin had no qualms and reservations about it at all. 

“Hyung!” Hyunjin greets back with a smile. 

Inseong was about to open his mouth and say something when his gaze shifts from Hyunjin to someone else, and that someone suddenly calls from behind the younger, “Hyunjin?”

Hyunjin almost jumps before whipping his head around to face the vaguely familiar voice calling out his name. He  _ actually  _ jumps in surprise when he finally sees and realizes who it was.

“Hyung?” he exclaims, eyes wide and brows shooting up.

“Ah, it really is you!” the other says, smiling at Hyunjin.

“What are you doing here?” Hyunjin asks. “Do you work here?”

"We volunteer here."

"Oh. I'm volunteering here, too! Starting today."

"Really? That's cool. Are you with Seungminnie?"

"No," Hyunjin answers, rather sad. "He has a thing today, but he'll be here later. Probably."

Seungmin is someone Hyunjin attended high school with, but didn't really become friends with until they started college. It was  _ very _ fortunate, Hyunjin thinks, when at the freshman orientation years ago he saw a very familiar face - he's not sure when they became the best of friends, but he thinks the stars that he ran a little late that day and when he arrived Seungmin was already there, with an empty seat beside him. Seungmin  _ is _ volunteering at the school, too, but he wouldn't be there until later, and so Hyunjin thought he's left alone with only familiar grounds and buildings but no familiar faces (except Inseong's). He couldn't have been more wrong.

Inseong, familiar face number one, clears his throat. "So you guys know each other, I assume," he says. "No need for introductions?"

"Yeah," Hyunjin replies. "We went to school here together."

"He's my junior in the dance team," the other adds.

"And I'm guessing he knows your boyfriend, too," Inseong turns to him, who nods. Hyunjin's a little surprised, though, but he tries not to show it. "Right. Good. I'll leave Hyunjinnie to you, then, would that be okay?" 

"Of course."

"Alright. See you guys later." And with that, Inseong turns on his heels and leaves them both in the faculty office.

"So, how've you been?" the older asks Hyunjin casually.

"I've been good, hyung," he answers. "You?"

"Great."

Hyunjin nods slowly, clearing his throat as curiosity gets the best of him. Curiosity,  _ and maybe  _ lingering feelings, too. "So…" he starts slowly. "Who's the, uh, boyf—?"

As if said boyfriend just sensed what Hyunjin was going to ask, he suddenly bursts through the door, calling, "Minho-hyung!" making them both turn their heads at the noise.

He doesn't seem to notice Hyunjin until he lets out a surprised, “Jisung?”

“Oh— what— Hyunjinnie?!” Jisung exclaims, mouth forming into a wide grin before running for an embrace, which Hyunjin doesn’t reject even though he hasn't seen the other in so long and he doesn't think they’d ever been particularly close. 

“Wait, so you guys are dating now?” he can’t help but ask, even though the answer is as clear as the sting that he suddenly feels in his chest 

“Yeah,” Jisung nods enthusiastically, face only mere inches away from Hyunjin's, arms still wrapped around the latter.

“Oh.”

He should’ve known, really. 

  
  
  


⭒⭑⭒⭑⭒

  
  
  


Hyunjin is ten when he meets the most interesting person ever, in the form of fifth-grader Lee Minho. 

It's late in the afternoon one weekday, and Hyunjin stayed a little late at school because he was assigned to clean their room. On his way out the building, he passes by a room that's usually dark and silent whenever he passes by at an earlier time — except this time, the lights are on inside and there's music coming out of the cracks in the door. It catches Hyunjin's attention, so he decides to take a peek.

He doesn't know it yet, but what he finds there is more than just a couple of people dancing to pop music, chit-chatting about god-knows-what and god-knows-who, more than just some unfamiliar faces and a few familiar ones. What he finds there is something he's going to treasure for the rest of his life.

He's still a little mesmerized, still a child full of wonder and curiosity, and he doesn't notice when someone walks up to him from behind until he feels a hand tap his shoulder lightly, making him jump in surprise.

"Hi," the person greets him, almost too casually, considering they’ve only just met. "Do you need anything?"

“Oh,” Hyunjin stammers. “I just— I was just—.”

“Minho?" someone from inside the room calls, and the person Hyunjin was talking to walks past him and opens the door.

“I think someone wants to join,” he announces as soon as he steps inside. He takes Hyunjin’s hand and pulls him in, saying, “Come on! Introduce yourself.”

“I— uh— I wasn’t really—”

“Hi!” Someone else comes up to him and greets, smiling so brightly that Hyunjin couldn’t help but smile back. He also couldn’t help but notice the freckles dotting the other boy's face and stare, a little mesmerized because he hasn’t really seen anyone with those before. “I’m Felix,” the boy introduces himself.

“Hyunjin,” Hyunjin says. “Hwang Hyunjin.”

“Hyunjinnie!” the other person — Minho, he recalls the name — says loudly. “Welcome to the dance team!”

Hyunjin’s eyes widen, brows shooting up. “Wait, what? No! I wasn’t—” He tries to say that he wasn't actually planning to join, and that he was really just passing by, but people are already talking over him, introducing themselves and welcoming him to the dance team. Some girls are already asking for his number, too, but thankfully Minho shoos them away and tells them to leave Hyunjin alone for a while.

Hyunjin knows he should've insisted he didn't really want to join, but his curiosity has already gotten the best of him. Now he wants to know who these people are, what they do after classes, what they listen to, how they practice — especially Minho, because the others immediately listen to what he says, and because he's pretty, and because he held Hyunjin's hand and quite literally dragged him here.

And that's how Hyunjin ends up in the same room the next day, suddenly learning dance steps from Minho, who volunteered to teach him the  _ basic stuff. _ Hyunjin wasn't planning to do any of this, he wasn't planning to learn how to dance and join his school's team, he wasn't planning to make friends with these people, he wasn't planning to get to know Lee Minho — but he's here now, and even though it's only been a day or so, Hyunjin finds that he's enjoying it a lot.

  
  
  


A year later and it becomes clear to Hyunjin what he found inside that room on that fateful day: friends slowly turning into family, an interest for dancing and performing carefully igniting its way into passion, too few hours of stress relief that comes with aching joints and abscessed muscles and sweat-stained shirts. Every day he goes home dead tired, his legs hurting from dancing and walking home, but the fulfillment he feels in his heart is greater than all the tiredness and undone homework. 

Turning up sometimes without doing his homework should burden Hyunjin more than it does, but his teachers never scold him for it. Because he’s Hyunjin, and he’s nice, and his teachers always see him on the stage, with big and proud smiles on their faces, and they tell him that he did a good job, that he can just submit his homework tomorrow or the day after that just as long as he still studies and listens in class. And he’d smile at them despite the heavy feeling of guilt that weighs down his heart, making him feel bad for feeling all too happy for spending most of his time inside that damn room. _ _

_ It’s unfair, _ he wants to say, because it  _ is,  _ but his teachers would wave him off happily, while they scold one of his classmates, Han Jisung. Because he’s Jisung, and he’s not as nice as Hyunjin, and his teachers always see him outside sleeping on the bleachers with his headphones on with frowns written on their faces, and they’d tell him to wake up and go to his gym class because he’s already missed one too many. And Jisung would smile at them and tell them yes, he’d go to his gym class after one last song, and that he’d turn in his overdue math homework tomorrow, knowing full well that he won’t be turning anything in, and he’d just continue on with his own business, act like any of this doesn’t even bother him, like going to school isn’t important to him at all.

Hyunjin doesn’t know if he hates or admires Jisung for it, because he wishes he was that carefree but he knows he  _ can’t _ be. Because even though Jisung acts like this, he’s never once failed an exam and that’s why not a single person who holds authority can stay too mad at him, because everyone likes him despite not being the best model student, because he’s still one of the best students anyway and has been since Hyunjin had first set foot in his primary school, because he always has Minho’s attention.

Jisung always has Minho’s attention. This shouldn’t even bother Hyunjin as much as it does, but it’s already been a year and he still finds it unclear why he feels too deflated whenever Minho would mention Jisung, or how much he enjoys playing video games or watching movies or  _ studying  _ with Jisung, even when he sometimes gets mad when he doesn’t win the game or when he gets too noisy while watching something or when he always falls asleep whenever he’s at the library with Minho. Hyunjin shouldn’t even know all these things, either, but he found that in the past year he’s been paying too much attention to Lee Minho, and he never really understood why.

  
  
  


⭒⭑⭒⭑⭒

  
  
  


"Do you guys really have to be here?" Hyunjin asks Minho and Jisung, who are both standing by the door like misplaced, super thin bouncers. He's assigned to teach English to a class of first graders, but there aren't many students in the classroom yet since it's pretty early. Still, Hyunjin is a little nervous, because this would be the first time he's teaching kids  _ this _ young (and many, once everyone is there), and having the other two stand there and watch him isn’t exactly helping.

"Inseong-hyung told us to stay here for a while," Jisung explains. "Said you might need some help since it's your first day, or something."

"Right," Hyunjin says. "Okay."

"Don't worry," Minho adds. "We did this with Seungminnie, too. He also didn't like it, but he had no choice." 

"He didn't tell me that," Hyunjin notes, walking towards the  _ couple. _ "He didn't even tell me you guys volunteer here.”

"Yeah, he didn't tell us  _ you'd _ be here, either," Jisung counters. “Which is weird. He should’ve told us.”

“He doesn’t need to tell you anything,” Hyunjin replies, his automatic response whenever someone claims Seungmin should have done something. “That’s what he’d tell you, anyway.”

“Yeah.” Minho wrinkles his nose. “He’d say that, alright. Anyway, we’ll just be here, in case you suddenly need help or anything.”

“Okay,” Hyunjin huffs out. The room is starting to fill with students now, all noisy and chatty and excited to meet their friends. Hyunjin smiles, a warm and lovely feeling in his heart upon seeing the kids happy, kind of like the same thing he feels whenever he watches his dog Kkami eat. He looks at them as if they were his own children, even though they’re only meeting for the first time. It’s a little overwhelming.

He tried really hard to be ready, to condition himself. He practiced talking in front of his bathroom mirror. He even asked Seungmin and Inseong for tips and all he got were different iterations of  _ “Don’t stress too much, you’ll do well.” _

See, even if Hyunjin doesn’t want to stress about something, even when everything already seems to be going well, his brain will still find something to stress over. Like right now, after suddenly finding out that Minho and Jisung  _ are _ a couple, even though he already saw it coming from lightyears away, and the fact that they’re suddenly here, making the room feel suffocating, making Hyunjin feel uncertain of what exactly it is he’s uncertain of. 

He tries to pay them no mind, tries to focus on the empty seats getting fewer and fewer as the students start flocking in. He fails, though, because somehow his gaze always goes back to the two, standing so close to each other while Hyunjin stands here alone with only his wracking nerves. And as much as he doesn't want to admit it, the sight of Minho with Jisung  _ still _ bothers him; the sight of them together  _ still _ stirs something in his chest and it makes him ache for something he doesn’t want to be aching for.

After all these years, Hyunjin thought it had all gone away, that his teenage years have passed and taken with them the feelings he harbored for Minho. But no. For some stupid reason Hyunjin doesn't understand, it's still somewhere there, buried underneath the blocks he used to build himself anew in the past couple of years, suddenly rising back to the surface, and he doesn’t know what to do about it. So he ignores it. 

It works when a girl wearing pigtails stops directly in front of him and asks, “Where’s Teacher Kim?”

“Oh,” Hyunjin replies with a smile. “Inseong-hyu— I mean, Teacher Kim is a little busy today.”

The girl pouts and furrows her brows. “Who’s Inseong?”

“Teacher Kim?”

“What?”

“Isn’t he— Oh!” he exclaims, before breaking into a huge grin. The girl meant Seungmin and not Inseong, and Hyunjin figures this is the same class his best friend teaches too. “Well, yeah, Teacher Kim  _ is _ a little busy, so I’ll be teaching you today. Would that be okay?”

“I guess.” She shrugs and goes to her seat, immediately falling into conversation with the girl seated beside her.

Hyunjin sighs. The students don’t seem too keen on having him as their teacher, and it’s starting to stress him out again. It’s not like they have a choice, anyway. And it’s not like Hyunjin has one, either. He’s going to be stuck here for a month or so and he knows he can’t let his not-so-good start dishearten him. He takes another look at Minho and Jisung, who’re clearly observing him, and he smiles at them; they both smile back at him, encouraging, and Jisung even raises a thumb up.

Hyunjin breathes in deeply, swallows down his nervousness, clears his throat, and he starts.

  
  
  


⭒⭑⭒⭑⭒

  
  
  


Lee Minho is a lot of things: a dancer in Hyunjin’s school’s team, a bright and popular student even now that they're both in middle school, a helpful senior, a friend.

Hyunjin considers him a friend. He's  _ still _ the first one who welcomed Hyunjin once he’d set foot in middle school, immediately asking him to join the dance team again. Hyunjin wasn't planning on doing it, really; he wanted to try if his thing for dancing would just sizzle off and eventually die, leaving him to focus more on his studies since he's getting older and should be more responsible. This resolve was short-lived, though. As soon as Minho clapped him on the back, smiled at him with those pretty upturned lips, ruffled his hair, acted like he missed Hyunjin— well, there wasn't much Hyunjin could do anymore.

That's how he finds himself surrounded by a lot of the same people from back when he'd first started — the same ones he was never particularly close with but close enough to be in the same group chat with — except this time, Felix has gone abroad with his family, and Donghyun hangs out a lot with his classmates who are all a year Hyunjin's senior, while Ryujin and Chaeryeong still have to finish their last year in primary. Yeji still eats lunch with Hyunjin when she can, but she's joined the softball team and now hangs out a lot with her teammates and the baseball team, too.

That’s also how Hyunjin  _ still _ finds himself in the dance practice room, dripping in sweat while he lies on the floor, thinking back to the time he accidentally became part of the dance team. He’s alone with Minho again, and Hyunjin wonders if it really was a fateful moment or if it was really just a dumb, impulsive decision brought on by cusriosity. It’s a little funny, the story of how he ended up here. He feels funny, too, like he’s suddenly floating in space, feeling light from exhaustion, and he starts drifting away to the dark corners of his brain.

He starts questioning what he’s doing again _ ,  _ if it was right for him to join the dance team. He constantly wonders if he’s doing enough for team or if he’s dragging them down, constantly wonders if his parents are happy that he’s doing this or if they’re actually disappointed because he doesn’t study as much as his cousin Bomin does. He wonders if this has gone on long enough, if he should quit now and focus on studying just like most of his peers. He almost failed his English class because of this, actually, if it weren’t for that one classmate who always keeps his notes neat and clean, who'd generously lent them to Hyunjin even if it’s with the words “ _ You’re probably gonna fail but might as well try.” _

_ Try. _ That’s all Hyunjin’s been doing for the past couple years, really. He tries. He always tries. He tries to be better in studying, in being a son and a friend and a classmate and a student, in dancing. He constantly tries to be good enough for everyone who cares, and a lot of people seem to care so there’s so many people to please and Hyunjin just badly wants to be  _ enough. _

“Let’s call it a day,” Minho suggests. He hands Hyunjin a bottle of water and joins him on the floor, lying on his stomach. His gray shirt is a darker color now, and Hyunjin can smell the sweat from where he’s lying a few inches away, effectively plucking him out and away from his own thoughts back into the present.

It’s been four years now and Hyunjin _still _doesn’t understand why he’s grown too aware of how Minho pats him on the back, of how his body moves either so lithely or intensely when he dances, of how the fabric of shirt clings too close to his body, of how close he is right now.

“Yeah,” Hyunjin answers weakly, sitting up so he can hydrate himself and try to bring some life back into his body before he walks home later. He  _ tries  _ again, this time not to think of anything at all except for catching a movie at the cinema later tonight with his friends, something to look forward to.

“I’m so tired,” Minho complains, making Hyunjin smile. Minho always says he’s tired, but he never really seems like it to Hyunjin. That’s one of the things he likes about Minho; he always pushes himself to do better, and it inspires Hyunjin to do the same.

He often wonders what it’s like to be Minho’s friend, to have this kind of energy surrounding him all the time, because even though they spend a lot of time together Hyunjin’s still not too sure if Minho considers  _ him  _ a friend.

Minho considers Jisung a friend. Probably. _ Most probably. _ Because Minho always has time for Jisung. Minho never not has time for Jisung.

Minho barely has time for Hyunjin, aside from practice — which is time not exactly  _ for  _ Hyunjin, anyway. 

“Hyung, do you wanna catch a movie with us?” he asks, even though he already knows the answer.

“Oh, you mean later?” Minho confirms, still panting slightly from the strenuous practice they just had. “Yugyeomie-hyung asked me, too, actually. I can’t, though.”

“I know.” Hyunjin sighs, then laughs. “You have the  _ movie night thing  _ with Jisung, or whatever.”

“Actually, we’re gonna go see Apink. Sorry. Maybe next time.”

“Nah, it doesn’t matter, really,” Hyunjin lies. “It just seemed rude not to invite you ‘cause, you know, everyone's invited.”

“Well,” Minho says. “Thanks for inviting me. Have fun.”

“Yeah.” Hyunjin forces a smile. “You, too.”

  
  
  


⭒⭑⭒⭑⭒

  
  
  


Hyunjin’s lesson sails smoothly — or, as smoothly as he expected, anyway. The students are a little noisy, but they’re at least responsive to his questions and requests for participation. They also don’t complain about Hyunjin’s enunciation, which  _ was  _ initially his main concern, before things took an unexpected turn earlier that day. Now, his main concern  _ is _ keeping himself from being distracted by Minho and Jisung, who are still standing by the door even after minutes of Hyunjin teaching the students basic English. 

He can’t exactly ignore their presence even if he tried, so he tries instead to ignore the heaviness he feels in his heart. It’s a little hard, because it’s already been so long since he’d last felt it weighing him down, and right now it’s too noticeable he almost wonders if even Minho and Jisung themselves can notice it. He’s sure that if Seungmin’s here,  _ he  _ would notice it, and he’d ask Hyunjin about it only to end up listening to Hyunjin whine about it until it stems to other things that unnecessarily worry him, too.

A friend. Hyunjin could really use a friend right now.

If things were the same as they were some years ago, Hyunjin would go to Minho and talk to him about so many things the latter isn’t even interested in. But it’s already been so long, too; he hasn’t seen Minho or Jisung since high school, and he can’t exactly come up to them and say,  _ “Hey, seeing the two of you makes me feel weird and distracted.” _

Besides, the years apart have made Hyunjin realize that all the times he thought he and Minho shared something were just him desperately wanting someone to talk to. If he’d been closer to Seungmin back then, if he’d joined the baseball team instead of sweating away in the dance room, he probably wouldn’t have thought of Minho as anything more than the senior who’d quite literally dragged him into the dance team. If he’d just been a little less insecure, he wouldn’t be in this situation, he wouldn’t have developed a stupid crush on Minho, and he wouldn’t have felt robbed of the attention he never had in the first place. If only he’d been a little more perceptive, he wouldn’t have unnecessarily been resentful of Jisung and he wouldn’t be feeling too awkward and nervous right now.

Then, as if some higher being read Hyunjin’s thoughts and heard his wish, Seungmin suddenly walks in, and the kids who were busy with the activity Hyunjin left them just a few minutes ago erupted into a high-pitched chorus of “Teacher Kim!” 

It makes Hyunjin laugh, and for a while he forgets that Minho and Jisung are in the room, until they’re both walking up to Seungmin, telling the kids to stay quiet and go back to doing their work. He smiles at Hyunjin and nods, before he’s joining the other two by the door, and it makes Hyunjin feel a little better. Seungmin's presence gives him comfort and ease. And at least now he’s not alone with Minho and Jisung anymore.

The ease is short-lived, though. As soon as the students settle down in their seats, two boys raise their voices and start screaming at each other.

“That’s not how you do it!” one shouts.

“Are you dumb?” the other one shouts back.

It happens too fast, and the next thing Hyunjin sees are the other three adults in the room running, barely stopping a child’s raised fist from hitting another child’s face. Then Hyunjin runs to Seungmin, who has his arms around one of the kids, while Minho and Jisung have the other, successfully pulling the kids apart. 

Hyunjin’s still a little shaken, even as they usher the kids outside the room, maintaining a safe distance between the two. He was really  _ not _ expecting anything like this to happen at all and he was  _ not _ prepared for it either. He guesses this is what Minho and Jisung meant with him possibly needing help. And even though them being there inside the room for as long as he was made him feel uncomfortable, he’s thankful that they were there. He’s also thankful that Seungmin was there. He really wouldn’t have known what to do if he were alone when that happened.

Now, they’re taking the two students to the principal’s office, and Hyunjin is scared he might just be sent off after this. He feels useless, too, because if it weren’t for the other three, someone might’ve gotten hurt while supposedly under  _ his  _ care, and that would never sit well with his conscience. 

He starts doubting himself again, starts feeling inadequate, thinks that maybe this was all really just a bad idea. He wants to just go home and think about a lot of things, like why knowing that Minho and Jisung are finally dating bothers him, or why he always just seems to need help from other people, or why the day started pretty well only to end up like this.

He sighs, and he lets Seungmin and Minho take the students inside the office while he and Jisung wait outside. It’s barely noon and the day has already been so long, and Hyunjin has already felt so much.

  
  
  


They’re back outside the classroom when Seungmin comes up to Minho, surprising Hyunjin a little; this is the first time he’s ever seen Seungmin talk to Minho in the many, many years they’ve all known each other. “Hey,” he says. “Can you come with me inside?”

“Me?” Minho asks.

“Yeah,” Seungmin replies. “The kids are kinda scared of you, you know? Might help quiet them down.”

“Right." Minho laughs. "Of course they’re scared of me.” 

“You should be as warm with kids as you are with animals,” Hyunjin hears Seungmin say as he and Minho walk back inside.

“Shut up,” Minho replies. 

And now Hyunjin is left outside, sitting down on the stairs, blaming himself for what happened with those two kids earlier. He would’ve enumerated more than a few reasons  _ why _ it was his fault if Jisung didn’t suddenly take a seat beside him, nudging his knee.

"Remember when we fought back in high school?" Jisung asks, grinning.

Hyunjin smiles, and as soon as the memory rushes back to him, he bursts into laughter. "Yeah,” he answers.

“You told me I wasn’t doing my work well enough,” Jisung continues, shaking his head. 

"Hey, isn't that too out of context? You told me I wasn't doing it well, either."

Jisung laughs. “I never really apologized for that,” he says. “It’s a little late but for what it’s worth, sorry.”

“Sorry, too,” Hyunjin says with a light chuckle. “It was my fault.”

“Yeah, it was,” Jisung agrees, and they both burst out in laughter again, at how stupid and dumb they both were back then, at how ridiculously simple those problems seem to them now that they’re a little older and a little more mature. 

Hyunjin’s heart suddenly feels lighter, like a heavy weight was breathed out when he sighed after laughing too hard. Suddenly, it’s not too awkward anymore. Looking at Jisung, at his happy eyes and carefree smile, listening to his hearty laugh and excitable anecdotes — suddenly, Hyunjin thinks he finally understands why it’s always been Jisung.

  
  
  


⭒⭑⭒⭑⭒

  
  
  


High school, another three years of your life. There’s a lot of growing up involved, a lot of sorting out priorities, making friends, setting your direction for what you want to focus on while constantly having to worry about getting into a good university. And when you’re seventeen you badly want to grow up as fast as you can, act all independent and secure and stable, when in reality you’re just a scared little kid wandering around what tiny little part of the world you’ve seen with your tiny little eyes. When you’re seventeen, you’re still just a child wanting to have fun and at the same time wanting validation and approval from your the people around you.

Hyunjin  _ is  _ seventeen, and it frustrates him, so what he does is he goes into  _ that  _ damn room, turns on the speaker as loud as he’s allowed to, and he dances until he can’t think of anything else, focusing on the littlest of his movements and obsessing over the smallest mistakes like his brain has always been haywired to do. He dances until he can forget about how lonely he feels because his friends are suddenly finding other hobbies and other people to busy themselves with. He dances until his breath runs out and his legs give in and he collapses onto the cold floor, reminding him of how young and frail he still is.

He closes his eyes and breathes in deeply, clearing his mind of all the things he shouldn’t even be thinking about. 

A friend. Hyunjin could really use a friend right now. He hates that he takes a little too long to open up to people enough to trust them about his worries and insecurities, enough to be sure they wouldn't judge him for thinking a certain way or wanting certain things, enough to know that if there  _ is  _ judgement it wouldn't be too harsh. 

That's where Lee Minho comes in.

Somehow, he'd always find Hyunjin sprawled on the floor, all sweaty and panting from an hour or so of practicing alone. And he'd ask Hyunjin how long he's been there, and if there's something wrong or bothering him. And Hyunjin would tell him he feels lonely, trying to fit in in a new environment where everyone and everything seems  _ so familiar _ but also  _ so different  _ and how it's so hard for him to find a middle ground so he resorts to dancing himself to complete exhaustion almost every day in this damn room he shouldn't have been in in the first place. And Minho always just  _ listens _ .

It's exactly what Hyunjin needs: someone who listens. Not someone who'd offer him advice or try to fix his problems for him, he's already getting plenty of that from his parents. He does have Felix, but their timezones don't quite match and he doesn't want to be keep the other up at night with all his made up problems. 

That's why it's hard for Hyunjin not to feel at ease when he's with Minho. Even if Minho doesn't tell him anything much, a few simple words like  _ "You're doing good."  _ or  _ "You're being too hard on yourself."  _ are enough to make Hyunjin think back to the present, to make him feel a little more grounded. Hearing those words makes Hyunjin remember that he's young, that the future is still ahead of him and there's no need to rush and worry too much. Everyone else here is trying to navigate their way through the shitty experience that is high school, anyway; everyone else is just trying, too.

"You wanna know what I think?" Minho asks after a while, when Hyunjin's already caught his breath and relaxed his mind a bit. "We should just be happy and carefree. We're fucking teenagers, in case you forgot. We're not supposed to have our lives planned out yet. You're what? Seventeen? I'm nineteen and I still don't know shit."

"That's not very comforting, hyung." Hyunjin chuckles. 

Minho snorts. "I didn't mean for it to be, anyway; just saying. College is gonna be  _ way _ harder, and I'm doing that next year if I do well in the CSAT. Just enjoy this shit while you can, yeah?" 

"Yeah. I'll try."

And try he did.

The rest of the year passes by swiftly, and the next thing Hyunjin knows is it's Minho's last performance with them at his own high school graduation. While on stage, Hyunjin tries to just enjoy  _ everything _ . He tries not to stress too much about making mistakes or missing a beat, he just savors this while it lasts. As the song nears the end, he tries not to think of how different things are going to be next year, when Minho wouldn't be around again anymore, and he'd be dancing for hours and hours  _ alone _ again, with no one to tell him at the end of the day that he's doing a good job and there's nothing to worry about. And as he holds Minho's clammy hand while they bow for their audience, with stupidly wide smiles plastered on their sticky and sweaty faces, all Hyunjin can think of is how he wishes he could hold that hand for even just a little longer.

  
  
  


In 11th grade, Hyunjin quits the dance team.

He tells himself it’s not because Minho wouldn’t be there anymore, or because Yeji has already quit last year to join the softball team, too, or because Seungmin kept on talking about the CSAT that it also made Hyunjin feel pressured. He tells himself that it’s his own decision and that quitting the team is completely out of his own volition. He tells himself that he’s just doing this because he wants to focus more on his studies in the last two years or so, because he really wants to get into a good university.

Whatever the reason really was, though, overall it was a hard decision to make. It’s also sad and devastating, suddenly stopping doing something you’ve been doing half your life. But there really is a lot of growing up to do in high school, no matter how old or young you might feel; along with that comes making decisions harder than just choosing what to eat for lunch or which film to watch with your friends. 

But Hyunjin, despite himself, always  _ tries _ to see the good in situations. Even though he’s still sometimes haunted by thoughts about quitting the dance team, he thinks there are aspects in his life that became better, like the fact that he doesn’t overwork his body anymore by dancing everyday or that he doesn’t overwork his brain anymore either, feeling silly because he's wasted too much time wallowing in self pity and worrying too much about fitting in, feeding his own insecurities until they're the ones feeding on him. Now, everything seems a lot simpler: he'd go to school, study his lessons, talk to his classmates, eat lunch with his friends, go to  _ hagwon  _ after his classes. 

Everything seems a lot smoother now, but soon enough, Hyunjin learns that smooth isn't always smooth. A little ripple and the boat can suddenly change direction. A little wrinkle and the cloth can suddenly be unfit for wearing. 

  
  
  


Near the end of the term, Hyunjin is teamed up with two of his classmates, Seungmin and Jisung, for a project in their English class. He isn’t typically one to start fights, but today has been a little more stressful than usual and Hyunjin doesn’t get to dance much to let off steam anymore, that’s why he slams his hands on his desk after reading Jisung’s write up.

“You should write better,” Hyunjin spits out. “Stop using the same words over and over.”

“Yeah?” Jisung raises his voice, hands already clenched into fists. “Well, you should enunciate better! Stop eating your words ‘cause it’s not food!”

Clearly he wasn’t having the best day, either.

Actually, none of them  _ is _ having the best day. It becomes crystal clear when even Seungmin suddenly slams his notebook on his desk.

“I can’t believe this,” he says, deadpan, looking bored and disinterested in what’s happening. “I can’t believe I’m gonna be stuck with these two idiots for the rest of the term.”

And Hyunjin actually pauses. He literally stops functioning, mouth hanging open out of shock at how dismissive Seungmin is about this. It makes Hyunjin feel stupid and childish and immature, the exact opposite of what he’s aiming to be. He watches Seungmin walk off outside the room just as soon as Yeji walks inside.

“What’s up with him?” she asks Hyunjin. Then her eyes travel from him to Jisung, who’s standing too close. “What’s up with  _ you _ ?” Yeji asks, too.

“Fuck off,” Jisung hisses, rolling his eyes, and he storms off before any of them can say anything. 

“Did something happen?” Yeji asks.

Hyunjin sighs. “No,” he lies. “Nothing happened. I gotta go. Bye.”

“Bye,” the other replies. “See you tomorrow.”

“Yeah, see you.” He slings on his backpack and leaves, deciding to look for his classmates and apologize.

He finds Jisung outside the school’s gates, but he sees him with Minho and all his intent to apologize and make up turns to dust. His anger is fueled again, but this time there’s something other than just mere annoyance at how their project isn’t turning out great. This time, there’s something else boiling, making his stomach churn. It makes him clench his jaw and turn around, completely forgetting about making up with Jisung. Fuck their group project; he’d do it alone if he has to. He's sure Kim Seungmin would love to have one less person to worry about. And fuck Han Jisung, for always having Minho’s attention. Hyunjin resents him for the way Minho looks at him and smiles at him and takes his bruised hand, putting on band-aids with stupid cartoon characters printed all over them.

Fuck Lee Minho, too, for being someone Hyunjin admires so much. 

“Hyunjin?” Seungmin suddenly appears behind him, startling him.

“Hey,” he greets. “Uh, sorry about—”

“He really doesn’t hide it at all, does he?” Seungmin states. It’s a question, but it doesn’t sound like one at all. Hyunjin doesn’t quite get it, though.

“What?” he asks.

“That he likes Jisung,” Seungmin replies. He says it so simply, as if it’s just a fact. And Hyunjin thinks that maybe it really  _ is _ just a fact, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t feel like a stab in his chest. Fuck Lee Minho, really. "Anyway, you're right."

"Sorry?"

"Jisung  _ should _ write better,” Seungmin says. “Stop using the same word in the same sentence, yeah, but you should cut him some slack. This is English, after all; none of us are masters of this language."

Hyunjin knows. And he’s embarrassed of how he acted, but he doesn’t feel sorry at all. So he just stays silent.

"And Jisung's right, too,” Seungmin continues. “You should enunciate properly. Then again, none of us really speak English and he should understand that, too."

"Who knew you were so nice?" Hyunjin can't help but say, earning him an eye roll from the other.

"I'm not saying this out of the abundance of my heart, Hwang Hyunjin-ssi," Seungmin says. "I'm just saying this 'cause I don't want you two fucking up my grades. I'm gonna go now."

"Wait, where are you going?"

"Hagwon."

"Oh. Can I walk with you?" Hyunjin asks, thankful for the distraction from Minho and Jisung. “We go to the same hagwon, did you know?”

"I didn’t.” Seungmin shrugs. “But you can walk with me if you want."

"Thanks."

Hyunjin takes one last look at the other two, and he thinks he finally understands the sting he feels whenever Minho declines his offers to hang out, or whenever Minho would choose to help Jisung with his math homework rather than help Hyunjin with their dance routine, or whenever he’d feel too distant for Hyunjin to even reach despite him being physically close. It took Hyunjin a good few years and a clear view of Minho and Jisung laughing with each other about god-knows-what. He tears his eyes away to finally understand: he likes Minho.

But fuck Minho and fuck Jisung.

Tomorrow, Hyunjin will eventually forget all about this and live his life the way he’s always known how: he’ll try. He’ll try to pretend he doesn’t feel jealous, he’ll try to pretend like this doesn’t matter, he’ll try to pretend that he doesn’t have a stupid, fucking crush on his senior. And maybe, eventually, something’s going to come out of trying.

  
  
  


⭒⭑⭒⭑⭒

  
  
  


"I still can't believe you guys are friends now," Jisung says, his mouth stuffed with the macarons Seungmin brought. " _ Best friends,  _ even. Back in high school you barely spared each other glances."

Hyunjin’s class is done now, although it really was Seungmin who’d done most of the teaching after what happened. After the class, they were all invited to observe other classes and see how the teachers manage their own classes. After that, too, Inseong treated them all to a pretty late lunch where they all talked about what happened during the day. 

It's late in the afternoon when they got back to the school. The four of them are taking a break before going home, and they’re taking this time to catch up a little. He initially thought it would be awkward, since none of them were particularly close when they went to school together, and there's no Kim Inseong to keep asking them questions anymore, but the conversation goes on fine. It’s Seungmin and Jisung who talk the most, which Hyunjin finds surprising since they were never friends and Hyunjin has always assumed they don’t get along at all.

"A lot of things can change in a span of three years, Jisung," Seungmin points out." And besides, it was  _ you two _ who barely spared each other glances."

"Excuse me, Hyunjin and I  _ always _ looked each other in the eye," Jisung says indignantly.

Hyunjin scoffs. "Yeah, and then we'd either scowl or roll our eyes before we could start a fight."

"Yeah, that," Seungmin agrees, “or you’d pretend not to know each other. You guys made my life hard in 11th grade."

"Wow," Minho notes. "Missed a lot when I went to uni, didn't I?"

"Not really,” Seungmin retorts, waving a hand in dismissal. 

“Actually, you  _ did, _ ” Jisung insists, launching into some story Hyunjin is too tired to listen to at the moment. 

He instead picks up a macaron from the box, examining it. “Where’d you get these?” he asks Seungmin.

“They’re from Yeji,” the other answers.

“Oh,” Hyunjin lets out softly, feeling a little weird again. “You guys met up?”

“Yeah, for breakfast. She said a little good luck would probably help you, so she bought you those.”

Hyunjin scoffs. “So much for luck, huh?”

“Hey.” Seungmin nudges his arm. “It wasn’t so bad. Those two kids are— how should I say it? They fight quite a lot, but they make up right after. They’re just… kids being kids, you know?”

Hyunjin  _ does _ know. He was a kid once. Only, when he was a kid, he hated conflict; he wanted everyone to like him. It didn’t turn out well. All it did was make him insecure, make him accumulate all this pent-up angst that he eventually let out when he'd stopped dancing. He used to be so dumb and childish — not that he’s all smart and mature now, either, but when he looks back to how he used to be all he can do now is laugh. He looks back on his childhood and he realizes most of it has been spent second-guessing himself, making stupid impulsive decisions, not knowing better. Then again, youth is for making stupid decisions and learning from them, for making memories you’d be able to look back on with a smile on your face, for building yourself up on experiences and lessons — some of which can only be gone through by making the stupidest decisions, and it makes each one of those stupid decisions worth it. 

Seungmin stands up. “I’m gonna go find Inseong-hyung,” he tells Hyunjin. “I need to talk to him about something.”

“Okay,” he replies. “I’ll wait for you here.”

“Alright.”

“I’m gonna go to the bathroom, too,” Jisung announces when Seungmin leaves.

“What makes you think we needed to know that?” Minho asks.

“Because everyone needs to know what  _ the _ Han Jisung is doing.” Jisung sticks his tongue out at his boyfriend and then goes, leaving Hyunjin alone with Minho.

In silence.

Hyunjin feels like he ought to say something, like there were so many things he used to want to say but now all the words have evaporated into thin air, leaving him speechless. The thoughts he expected to come don’t. His mind is blank, and he doesn’t know what to think or what to say to ease the awkwardness he suddenly feels. 

It’s Minho who breaks the silence, asking, “So, how was your first day, Hyunjinnie?”

“Fine, I guess,” Hyunjin answers, shrugging. “I mean, obviously the day could’ve gone better, right?”

“That's true,” the older notes curtly.

Back then, it was so, so easy for Hyunjin to just say whatever it is that’s on his mind whenever he’s with Minho, but now things are different. But different doesn’t always mean bad, it just means that there have been changes — no matter how insignificant they seem — and changes should be acknowledged even when it’s hard.

“So,” Hyunjin starts, this time being the one who breaks the silence. “You and Jisung…”

Minho snorts. “Surprising, isn’t it?” he says, voice dripping sarcasm, making Hyunjin smile because it reminds him so much of conversations they used to have with the dance team they were once both in.

“Took you guys long enough, huh?” Hyunjin replies, smiling. What’s  _ really  _ surprising to him is that he suddenly feels no contempt at all. It’s like suddenly everything about this whole Minho-and-Jisung thing is okay, like Hyunjin’s suddenly come to terms with the fact that Minho is Jisung’s — that he’s  _ always been  _ Jisung’s — and everything that was heavy now weighs lighter. 

It’s weird, actually. Hyunjin left high school with so much resentment in his heart. He spent three years after that without paying it much attention. He thought about Minho, yes, and he often wondered what the older has been up to since they’d last seen each other; thoughts of Minho being with Jisung also crossed his mind sometimes, and it made him feel jealous, but the feeling was never as strong as it was back in high school. 

Hyunjin left high school  _ knowing  _ that he likes Minho. It was just a fact: Hyunjin likes Minho, and he resents Jisung because Minho likes Jisung instead of him. He treated it like it’s just some absolute truth, no matter how much time passes by and how many things change as he grows older. And Hyunjin has believed in it for so long that he thought it’s what he’s always supposed to feel. 

Now, Hyunjin is reminded that so much has already happened in the past three years, and he realizes that maybe he doesn’t like Minho anymore. Maybe, in the years that have passed, Hyunjin’s heart has slowly learned to let go, without him even realizing. He’s never really had a reason to think about it again until today, meeting them both face to face again. Maybe it’s just that seeing them again is a reminder of the pain Hyunjin has gone through. It’s a reminder that ignoring a wound might trick you into thinking that it’s completely healed overtime, but when you look at it again after some time you’d still find a tiny scar. Scars might seem insignificant, but if not treated properly it may cause more pain. Maybe Hyunjin just needed some time to process everything — maybe he still needs some more time — until he’s completely okay with it, until he completely accepts that he’s never been the one, until he completely lets go of any bitterness that’s left. 

“Yeah.” Minho chuckles. “Took us long enough.”

He smiles, a genuine one that makes his eyes disappear into crescents. “I’m happy for the two of you,” he tells Minho, and from the bottom of his heart, he means it.

  
  
  


The years after high school have taught Hyunjin a lot: realizing that everyone grows and everything changes, coming to terms with things that you can’t change or control, nursing your own wounds instead of letting time do all the healing, letting go of the past. And now as he walks home with his best friend beside him, staring at the other two in front of them walking hand in hand, figures drenched in the same hues of sunset that flooded them with warmth years ago, Hyunjin feels an overwhelming sense of nostalgia.

He remembers always staring after Minho and Jisung back then, wondering what he was lacking, why it couldn’t be him Minho dedicates all his time in. Now, he knows better than to keep obsessing about things he can’t change. He breathes a sigh of relief, feeling like he’s finally  _ really  _ letting go of something he’s been holding onto for so long. Closing his eyes, Hyunjin looks up and lets the warm sunlight hit his face, still as comforting as it was back then.

He opens his eyes and looks around him. Everything is  _ still  _ familiar, and it fills him with warmth. Everything is also different, Hyunjin acknowledges, and it fills him with uncertainty — but this time, he chooses to welcome it, just like he welcomes all the changes that has happened in the past few years and the changes that are still about to happen in the future. 

"Hey, look." Seungmin suddenly grabs his arm, stopping him. He points at a cluster of young trees in what was once a vacant lot. Hyunjin's confused at first, but soon enough he realizes what Seungmin's pointing out. He breaks into a wide grin as they both make their way towards the trees, leaving Minho and Jisung to themselves.

"No way," Hyunjin lets out, staring in awe and disbelief.

"I didn't think they'd grow  _ that _ fast," Seungmin says. "It's only been three years."

Hyunjin nods. Three years ago, these were just seedlings Hyunjin and the rest of his class planted when they graduated high school. Now, they're almost to Hyunjin's height, leaves rustling in the wind, reflecting a yellow-orange glow. 

"Do you think there's a way to know which ones are ours?" Hyunjin asks. He'd really want to know if one of these is the one he planted.

"No," Seungmin answers, curt. "Unless you remember the exact spot you planted your tree, I guess."

"I don't. Do you?"

Seungmin scoffs. "Please. I can't even remember birthdays."

"You remember mine, though," Hyunjin points out, laughing.

"Yeah, but that's only because you wouldn't let me live if I didn't."

"You're right."

Seungmin smiles, and even that is so familiar, but there's a weird sensation that suddenly washes over Hyunjin, and  _ that _ is not familiar.  It's new and it's fresh and it makes him feel hopeful and excited for what's in store. 

"Let's go," Seungmin says, distracting him. He offers Hyunjin a smile again, and Hyunjin thinks that everything really is so familiar yet unfamiliar at the same time. And it's weird. But it's not a feeling he detests.

He smiles back at his friend. "Yeah," he answers. He takes one last look at the trees, and at the school somewhere in the distance, at the sky that's slowly turning into a darker hue as the sun goes down. Then he follows suit.

  
  
  


Hyunjin has always been a nostalgic person, and looking back at memories is something he's fond of doing. Looking back in time makes him feel a little better about himself, knowing that he's gone through something he couldn't even have imagined. It makes him realize that just like the trees they'd planted,  _ people grow, too _ . And while time may not heal all wounds, it still offers you learning, gives you a chance to grow as long as you're willing to _ .  _ Sometimes, you won't even realize it until life throws a hurdle your way, something you're sure you would've reacted to differently some time ago, and that's when you'd discover just how far you've come. 

**Author's Note:**

> \- thank u for reading!  



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